The Art of "Winging It"

Yesterday I gave a talk and I didn't fail!

But something that was not exciting in any way was the person who went next she I guess decided to "wing it" a bad decision on her part if you ask me. Anyway it was a mess she even started saying some offensive stuff that made the whole meeting awkward and just made everyone uncomfortable. Sure it was pretty funny to be up on the stage watching the whole congregation fall asleep although I think it's because how early our church is but I fully blame her for them fall asleep. I made some people laugh and they weren't fully asleep when I talked but when she started talking this was the result.

And for the people actually awake for this talk all of their faces were in disbelief seriously they looked shocked at what the lady was saying.

Yeah so that was sad but anyway I have an experience that I had with winging it and well it was worst than that lady way worst and I'm saying I should get a reward for having the most failure from winging it because your stories with winging it might be bad but this will top all of yours so get some popcorn and relax as I tell you this wretched tale.

A couple years ago I went to an activity for my church that I had to say how service changed my life or that was kind of the topic so I decided that I wasn't going to prepare and instead watch my little pony and friends while I went through Pinterest.

I'm just kidding about the my little pony thing I hate that show and I don't why all my fourteen year old friends like it just saying but back to the point I didn't write anything down and so I was destined for doom.

When I got to the activity I just started joking with everyone that I would just say a amen and be over with it but in my head that's really as far I went and well it turned out that all the parents were going to be there and I was third on the list. When I went up there I started telling them about how we went to a nursing home and gave them like those ornament type pumpkin things and muffins.

Well instead of telling them that I said that we painted wood pumpkins and that I was so grateful for old people yeah and I said that over and over and well I looked like a fool a complete and utter fool in front of everyone. And when I was talking you don't even know how many people cringed and started to look away from the awkwardness that was unfolding.

I'm going to die alone.

Squirrel Obesity!!

Everybody has squirrels or have seen squirrels and there's pests really annoying and deceitful creatures but they're also very smart and in our neighborhood that's what gets them food a little too much of it too.

We used to call our squirrels "danger squirrels" because they would do flips and show off they would also almost kill themselves, but now they're too fat to really do anything but flop around on the fence. From us they get fed almost every morning and that's a little too much if you ask me and the neighbors feed those gluttonous fiends the good stuff like cashews and pistachios yeah I mean the really good stuff while we feed them cheap (well not so cheap but still) peanuts, and I'm not even going to lie I have been tempted to pick some of those bad boys right off the fence. And it's not because I love cashews (though that's part of the reason) but it's because I'm seriously worried for these little buggers I mean it's getting to the point that they're like this.

Just kidding. All of them look like this.

I bet he regrets eating all those peanuts but our squirrels wouldn't those gluttonous fiends. If we don't have any peanuts on our fence by lunch time they lay down on the fence and pretend like they're dying when really they're probably having heart burn from all of the food they eat I mean at this rate they'll be chinchilla size by this time next month.

 They're lucky that I am putting up my new and improved elliptical on the fence so they can work out those fat bodies of theirs. You're welcome world you know that someone cares when they don't believe in the obesity of squirrels and want each and every squirrel in shape. And I'm generous enough to help them out with my new work out just for them listen to this happy costumer.

Never mind he doesn't know what's going on but still buy it now and help prevent squirrel obesity!

The Wonders of Giving Talks!!(What a Joy)

In my church there's only one way to avoid having to give a talk and that's by staying far away from the very person that gives talks and not answering phone calls oh and also if you hear your name being called from behind you and you can't remember the voice then run the other way. Well I got caught off guard and because I'm always with the person in my church let's just call him brother Buttocks I would call him brother Butthole but that's a little blasphemes and well that's just unholy and that's not how I do especially at church. Anyway back to the theme of this little tyrant I usually see my brothers and sisters being picked for talks and this is what I usually feel like.

But now that it's my turn to actually give a talk I feel like so.

Yeah so there's that and I always get assigned something that is completely boring like last time I was chosen to talk about reverence and heaven knows how reverent I am I mean I go to church for heaven sakes and sit down and listen to people's lessons yeah I'm pretty darn reverent. Anyway so I have to tell you the story of me getting called to do it since everyone talks about it in the beginning of their talks anyway. So I was sitting down in a meeting for the church youth presidencies and it just happens that I'm in a presidency when brother Buttocks says that he want to talk to me afterwards and he usually does this anyway after the presidency meetings so I wasn't worried but when I saw him afterwards he asked me if I wanted to say a talk and my reaction to that was a big fat no.

Yeah but then you're put on the spot and you don't want to tell brother Buttocks no so of course like every other sucker I said yes grudgingly. And that's the story of my proposal and now I'm scheduled for next week to give a talk and I seriously don't want to do it but I will anyway because everyone is counting on me I mean I might as well feel like batman right now.

Well that's it going to go and write it now bye.

My Loathing of Public Bathrooms..

What would we do without toilets to get rid of our waste? I mean think about it we would probably have to go outside and wipe with whatever we could find without toilets unless you have an extra pair of underwear then you don't have to do anything but change your underpants. But seriously I love indoor bathrooms but sometimes people put it in wrong places and it makes it very hard to read/poop when you're in these kinds of bathrooms. Also the kind of bathrooms that jerky people don't flush or are shameless enough to leave a mess in the crappers.

I know big shocker but let me tell you about the many places that bathrooms are that makes it hard to take a crap without making a scene. Number one is the type that they put in your kitchen my grandma has one of these where you can't use it if you have to do anything other than pee because you'll stink up the whole kitchen if you do and that's trouble right here in river city. Just kidding I'm not in river city but still it really smells if you do and everyone knows that it was you who crapped in the kitchen toilet and then you do that little walk of shame as they stare at you and start pulling up their shirts to cover up their noses.

 I'm writing out of experience yup it's really awkward especially at your grandparents house. Okay number two is the bathrooms by people's bedrooms. I have a room by the bathroom and you might think it's great because I'll never pee the bed if it's right there but that's not the bad thing about it because we have a rule no pooping in the upstairs bathroom.

 Well my brothers don't listen to this rule and they crap as they like in the freaking thing and it leaves my room smelling like a crap hole and every time my mom comes into my room she tells me how much it smells but it's not my fault blame the boys. Though I must say I've grown immune to the stink so it's not all that bad anymore.

Number three is when you're at a public place like the mall and you really have to go and you're even doing a pee pee dance or sucking it all in while you're walking and then you get to the bathroom and you're really happy that you finally made it then you open the door and the stench is so strong that it's like a slap in the face. Yeah but it's too late to go back and you start searching for a clean crapper and there's none in sight so you have to actually clean the whole stall before going inside of it.

Yes this happens all the time and if you're the pigs that leave you're pee all over the toilet then stop for the love of the world just stop okay. So that's it despite the fact that there's more places that has horrible places to put bathrooms and inconsiderate people that are completely shameless and act like Urkel. 

Are You Stronger Than a Four Year Old?

Yesterday I went to do some service at a church where I was suppose to play with kids which means that I sat down and watched Beauty and the Beast while my brothers and sisters played with them. Well I never watched the movie believe it or not and I  still didn't because I was assigned to vacuuming the floor quick and while I was doing that a little kid decided to start eating a cookie and dropped a bunch of crumbs all over the floor. I reacted by acting like I was trying to run over that little bugger and he made it into a little game which was quite fun until I finished vacuuming and then I was straight back to the movie. Well the little boy had other plans and proceeded to grab onto my leg and I acted like he wasn't there and started walking and though it took a lot of work but I finally got to the chair that I was accompanying before. He then decided to attack me rabid squirrel style.

Okay so it wasn't that bad but he put me in a headlock and pulled me onto the floor with him (yeah not one of my best moments) and he proceeded to climb on top of me pinning me to the ground. I don't know what kind of ninja class he was taking but it caught me totally off guard and soon he was laughing as I came out of my shock and struggled to take him off of me but he was still hanging on as I got up from the floor completely humiliated.

I wish. And then a little girl decided that it would be fun if the two of them team up on me and then they both tackled me and soon I was on the ground again. Kids hate me!! Yeah the afternoon wasn't bad even though I was taken down by little kids and learned how weak I am and now I know never to babysit.

Well This is Awkward..

I am not crafty in any way shape or form  I'm really bad at doing anything that involves crafty crap so I was quite surprised when my mom said that I had to go help out at the quilting bee. You heard right the quilting bee if you don't know what a quilting bee is then sit back and relax as I get to have one of those "missionary moments" cause everyone is suppose to have one and apparently everyone does which I seriously doubt that everyone is telling the truth but whatever.

 Back to the point the quilting bee is for is something a lot of churches do is that we make a bunch of quilts and we give it to families that are less fortunate than us and then we give them some money so they can get back on their feet it's really a great thing to do but unfortunately I am again quite bad at doing really anything that you can put in the category of crafts.

 Anyway I went and I was put to the task of sewing little bows in the middle and I must say I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be and the evening went quite nicely but of course my curse of always doing or saying something awkward is upon me and it was about to kick in. At the end of the activity my sister and I helped clean up and it was dandy until I was told to throw out all of the unused fabric now if you know me you will know that I don't like to waste things so I started picking out the ones that I liked when I saw one of my church leaders so I threw it in the waste bin and pretended that I was going to do that the whole time

. Then I took my stack of fabric and proceeded to wait for my dad to come and pick me up and their was a lady across from me looking at my fabric stash, so I decided to talk to her because I'm just awesome like that. So I started to tell her that they were going to throw away all of the fabric and how it was such a waste and that I decided to take some and after talking for about five minutes I stopped and waited for her response and I got was a blank stare which kind of creeped me out. I started smiling and acting like everything was completely normal while inside I was like what the heck is wrong with this woman!!

While I was smiling at her I was giving my sister this look..

But this is the part that gets really awkward when her I could only guess was her father and he started talking to her in sign language when I finally knew what was wrong with her she was def and I was an idiot. I tried to walk it off and act cool but my sister saw what derpy thing I did and after they left she started laughing and well she won't let it go know that I was talking to a def person so that's special.

Yeah this reminds why I don't go out of my house it's also probably because I know that I can barely walk so how can I walk things off. I was going downstairs this morning and my feet were really cold so I was unfolding the socks and well I fell down half of my stairs and it looked like so..

The only difference was that I didn't get up I just sat there in pain while my family laughed at me true story.

MMM Dandruff Lovely...

At my church we have activities every Wednesday which means seeing people I know ugh, anyhow we were suppose to do each others hair and I thought that was completely disgusting but I tried to act like I wasn't repulsed by the act of someone else touching my hair and I kind of failed miserably at it. The weird thing is everyone else in the room seemed to be doing happy dances at this announcement that we're going braid each others hair.

 Anyway so my "friend" said that she would do my hair and because I guess she's kind of close to me so I let her start fixing my hair and well it didn't turn out very well. What I wanted to do:
\
But what I really did was try not to show that I hate people touching me and I smiled and acted like I was having a jolly good time while my "friend" was pulling my hair. In the end I must say that she didn't do a bad job it wasn't the greatest but it wasn't bad and then it got to the nasty part. I had to do the hair of a girl who recently had lice which was pretty nasty and also if your asking her name it was Bertha/Helga yup the same girl. If you haven't read my other posts this girl is nasty but anyway back to the point she had scalp issues and a bunch of dandruff I mean not the worst experience that I've had (SARCASM). Yeah it was actually like this..

It was quite scarring.

After I went through that I went and washed my hands a few hundred times but hey I mean her hair didn't look half bad I fixed it up to perfection and she can thank me later because I guess she forgot. Though I must say that it was like a winter wonderland up there with the exception of not being magical just saying.

Why are all of the Good Shows Cancelled???

I'm sure we all have seen those shows that are the funniest or the coolest show ever and you can't wait for the new season and then the producers decide to cancel it.

It's like they don't want me to be happy!

Angry Old Guy Table Flip!! They cancel all the good shows and they leave all of the crappy ones like on Disney channel they kicked off Kim Possible and replaced it with a bunch of stupid shows I mean look at the horrible shows they put on the air these days. Dog with a Blog I mean can anything get any more stupid than this I know that it's a joke but seriously this might be the worse show ever it could probably get away with the it if it was actually funny but it's not the dialog is crap and who the heck has a blog these days anyway. Oh wait hm forget what I just said but obviously people are running out of ideas for good shows and movies they're just using old folk tale for all of the new movies. Sure they look good but they're running out of ideas nonetheless. I seriously want to tell all of these people..

Let The Appetite Spoiling Begin!!

You know that girl that when you talk about her everyone knows who she is without you telling them their names because of the gross things they do well I do and well get ready for the nastiest things that you can do in one sitting because I think this girl will take first place if there was a contest.

Okay she's not that disgustingly despicable I mean at the very least she's nice but her bad habits drive everyone to distraction. I went to camp with this girl and lets just say her name is Bertha or Helga whatever floats your boat anyway Helga/Bertha always ask me to go to the bathroom with her (because they wanted bathroom buddies at the camp) and well there's not any way to say no without being mean so every time I accepted and every time she would get out of the bathroom without washing her hands.

And every single time I would tell her that she forgot to wash her hands and then she would tell me thank you as if she didn't mean to get out of the bathroom with out doing it. Now this wouldn't be all that gross I mean I've seen people do it before but it's just were this girl's hands have been. Get ready for the ultimate repulsiveness of Helga/Bertha she scratches her privates and not the ones above the one below and she does it a lot.

Let's just all take a second to think about this horrifying act.

I don't know if she doesn't wipe well or not but she constantly does it and it's so disgusting because it seems like she doesn't even care who sees her she's completely and utterly shameless in doing these acts of nastiness.

 Okay now time for another story about Helga/Bertha it was Easter the other day therefore a day that all of the teachers at church gives us so much candy that we gorge ourselves until we're stuffed silly and just in time to because it's right before we go and lie in our piles of candy back at home. Helga/Bertha got a chocolate egg from her teacher the ones with chocolate in the inside and chocolate on the outside and she came to her next class with it and it's just my luck that I get stuck next to her.

Well when my church leaders are talking about Jesus and his death I am tuning out and I start watching in silent horror as this girl starts devouring the egg nasty whack style. First she starts nibbling on the top and then she dips her finger in the chocolate inside and she does this over and over until the egg is gone. Her fingers were completely covered in chocolate so she starts licking them and I can hear her smacking her lips and then she puts in a piece of gum in her mouth and I'm silently saying thank heavens in my mind and that's when she starts cracking her gum and chewing and I'm talking cow style.

The worst is yet to come people when she starts pulling it out of her mouth and then putting it back in and she starts stretching it and then she puts it back in her mouth again until finally she drops it on the floor and I'm thanking the heavens again when I see her lean over. Okay I suspected that she would do what any regular person would do and hold it but no she puts it in her mouth and she doesn't even blow on it and I can see hairs sticking out from it.

Well that's not all she does but alas I will save it for another day because it is dinner time and I don't mean to spoil your appetites even more so I'll just have to say good bye my fair ladies and gentlemen.

Read It Or Else...

I have recently read a lot of really great books I'll put the list if you must know what they are...

                          

All of these have second books that either aren't out or it's not in the library which makes me really upset because all of them are so awesome I mean look at the covers all of them are so glorious.

Oops. Yeah I haven't really been writing because I've obviously been on awesome overload. I have also been on Goodreads if you don't know what that website is I would strongly recommend it to you seriously it's the holy grail of books and I might or might not be addicted to it you can add me as a friend too if you must of course. Anyway all of these books are paranormal that made me flabbergasted at the end of the books and I'm not usually surprised but all of them left me doing this..

And this..

And even a little bit of this..

Yup they were all that good. So read them or else..