The Work-Out Of Champions!!

Everyone says that they might have the most embarrassing sibling ever but in comparison to me I would probably have to take the cake (vanilla preferably).

They're brutish hooligans that embarrass me daily though thankfully it's usually at home. So sit back and bring out your popcorn as I do something that is the number one rule in our family, and that is don't tell family secrets and I'm sure that you won't tell.  Get ready to be flabbergasted by my family's awesomeness.

 So the other day I walked into the room that I share with my sister hoping to get some reading time alone and she's on our kung fu mat. But not only is she on it but she's doing something really strange and unusual.... (oooh mysterious!)

 She has ankle weights on and has on one of those work-out headbands and eye of the tiger is blasting on our radio as her feet stick up in the air kicking around, her arms were pumping in the air as if they were trying to be in sync but they couldn't get a hang of the motion.

 As I looked at the horrible sight in front of me the song started to get to the main chorus, and she started singing like a dying cow at the top of her lungs (yeah all of my family has horrible singing "skills" but she takes the prize for being higher than all of us on the scale of wretched singing) as she kept doing whatever it was that she was doing. Then things took the toll for the worse as she stood up and started to do something that I could only guess was her attempt at dancing. All and all she looked like a roach.

Wait wrong roach well no matter.

 Now that you know about my sister I have to tell you that her dancing is something of a sight and not exactly the good kind. So I can do the worm, because I'm so awesome like that, and my sister (the same sister from the other incident) decided that she wanted some attention too so she proceeded to lay down and start doing something that included a lot of flopping about.

 She was not doing the worm actually she wasn't doing anything close to the worm she was just kind of slamming her belly on the wood floor. It looked painful, but my sister did it nonetheless and afterwards I called it the floppy fish.

 She took offense to the name, so I told her that next time that she has the urge to do anything close to the worm to just lay on the ground. Of course she didn't get it so I told her that it was called the dead worm and that it would be better than the jerking motions that she previously did. Yeah it's better if she lets the worm to only be preformed by professionals like me of course.

Don't be hatin' on my mad skills for real cause baby I was born this way. I know all of you want a sister like mine so know you can have one for only 99$ it's a pretty penny, but you won't be disappointed for your purchase and if you order know it comes with a free brother too!! So ORDER NOW, NOW, NOW!!!

Stay 5 feet Away From the Perimeter!

I like personal space in fact I have so much personal space that I'm usually five meters away from people as much as possible.

 Some might call me antisocial but School House Rock would be proud because after all they did teach me that everyone should have elbow room. Anyway some people don't respect other peoples personal space obviously, and truth be told I don't take too kindly to those kinds of people because well I think we all know those people and if you don't it might be yourself so check yourself before you wreck yourself. But the point is I don't want anyone, don't care who you are, to invade my personal space and I will tell you off like so..

Okay maybe not that harsh but I think it's reasonable to do unless you like a person all up in your business or if your the one that intrudes on other peoples space please stop.

 I mean it's all awesome and dandy when you hug someone I mean I guess that isn't too bad or when you give someone a slight peck on the cheek even maybe one on the mouth if you're fast, but I'm talking about the people that show way to much affection for the other in public or maybe even just are way to close to the other person.

I don't care if you're a boy or a girl, but seriously stop!! Everyone wants you to you make them feel awkward so please for the love of humanity stop.

 Don't be that clingy guy/girl that nobody wants to hang around, or date because lets be honest I think that everyone has the potential to be one of these people, and nobody wants a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend like that.

I don't really have any of these people in my life mostly because I don't like to be around most people, but the reason I'm talking about this is because of the kids that have make-out secession at the kitty playground behind my house.

 I know pretty darn gross there's a lot of things that go on in that playground but this by far might be the worse I won't even tell you what the first one is but it's pretty nasty too. So these kids my age that are way to young (because I'm only fourteen) go to the park almost everyday with there dog and they make out on the kitty slide.

 That playground is for little kids and there they are doing that it's really flabbergasts and disgusts me that kids my age would have the audacity to do such a things at a freaking little kids playground it's kind of depressing it makes my lack of love for the world lessen. What I feel like..

Yup so that's it but I must say I'm listening to Pandora and it's playing the worse playlists ever and I have just   reached my limit of skips and when I listen to crap like Cold Play I just give up on it.

Pretty much the story of my life.

Mustaches are More of a Girl Thing!!!

  Facial hair is the most beautiful thing on girls.

 I mean look at my luscious mustache I probably have more boys in my yard than Kelis, and I don't even have to whip out my milkshakes. You don't even know how good my milkshakes are!! Just kidding, I understand the awesomeness of milkshakes, but what's your secret milkshake formula Kelis?

 Oh dang, she just told me that she'll tell me, but she'll have to charge. I'm broke, so I'm just gonna have to say no thanks. Anyway back to the point, which is my mustache that grows like nobodies business, and I'm not talking about the white girls mustaches that you can barely see because their hair is blond; I'm talking full on bushy mustaches that you can see from miles away. The ones like so..
 
Ooh so sexy. Anyway I usually go to this place where they thread my mustache, so the boys will stay away from me because hey, the longer it grows the more boys show up asking how I get my mustache so prominent and luscious.

 Of course they would love a mustache such as mine obviously but, seriously it's so full and silky. I mean mustaches might as well be the new accessory for your face because of the fact people can see it better. It is one of the most looked at part of your body, and it's showing off your lips and that's a good thing, right?

 Back to the threading I haven't done it in a while so my mustache is especially thick and black, just like the boys like it and well, I decided to get rid of it with my good friend tweezers. These devices are more like torture devices made for a very painful experience and also makes my whole upper lip red with the proof that I went through something completely excruciating. Well it's better than waxing that's apparently another form of torture.

Yeah I've seen videos that made me decide that I'm never going to do such a dreaded thing to myself I mean if you don't know me I'm afraid of pain, so for the second time in this blog post I'm going to have to say no thanks.

Anyway I tweezed and went to my activity something that we do every Wednesday and it was with the boys that particular and we were dancing and getting close to the boys cause you know how we do. Just kidding it was square dancing and since we didn't have enough boys we had some girls that had to dance with other girls. And guess which person was the one getting stuck dancing with other females like myself.

 You guessed it.

So we were rotating and my friend said that it was good I was to be the man because I was more manly than her because of my mustache. Yup she went there and I spent my night dipping, spinning, and putting girls hands on my back all night pretty awesome to have to be the guy, right?

 Wrong, their were moves like the cuddle and well that was just plain awkward, and again I had to put the girl's hands on my back and they were suppose to walk their hands against my back well that wasn't the best thing to be doing on a Wednesday night, but that's what I was doing.

 Well the only pro about this situation was that when I go to church dances and the boy I'm dancing with doesn't know how to swing dance I can lead him around and put him in the cuddle way to often and say that it's how your suppose to dance cause I'm just smooth like that. Just kidding, I'm probably going to bust my best ghetto moves on them breaking it down like so.

Yeah showing those guys whose boss. Actually I'm kidding again I can't do this I mean I think this gif is fake I mean nobody is actually that awesome I mean I'll probably end up doing this.

But no matter what all those boys in the end will fall for my awkwardness and I mean Jake style.

I'm awesome I already know.

Waking Up, The Worst Part of the Day.

I am not a morning person I'm not kidding I get out of bed looking like I just got sucked up and spit out by a tornado. I like to sleep late so I usually hear my sister snoring until I go to sleep we have bunk beds so she sleeps above me and every time she rolls over I can feel it too (what a joy). Anyway when I wake up I have drool all over my face, my blankets are all tangled together, and my hair gets like a fro. My friend Kylie she doesn't have a flaw when she wakes up we went to a camp together for our church and she started fussing with her hair saying that it was so ugly and how she hated it and I'm there looking like this..

Seriously her hair is supermodle-ish when she wakes up it's like in those Pantene commercials when they wake up and their hair is curled beautifully and they say that it's wonderful morning to do something (I never say that I just want the sun to go back down). That girl's face isn't contorted at all with sleep she looks the same night and day I'm not even kidding when my eyes are bloodshot from not sleeping she looks the same, and she didn't sleep either my bunk mate at camp Sid made sure of that. Since the time change I wake up when the sun comes up and I turn right over hoping it will go away for another couple of hours. Then I roll over in my bed and the sun keeps coming so I have to get out of bed now so I start opening windows because we barely have any light in our house and when I open them it's like I turn into a freaking vampire. Then I go all Marceline on everyone.

Yup pretty beautiful I know. That's the same when I go outside when my mom tells me that I have to get out of my hidey hole. I go out and I start to squint it's like a whole other world outside it's like in those movies when they find a portal to wherever and their like "What is this place?" Seriously it's pretty bright and then you get to see the other kids walking around probably also forced out their room by their parents it's perfect. Time to go on a walk with my sister so I have to say farewell.

Flat Sally's Murderer..

When I was about ten I was enrolled in school until fifth grade and now I'm home schooled again but when I was starting my first year of school my teacher Mrs. Locker was presenting a project for my class that she said that I didn't have to do because I just started third grade, but I decided that I would do it anyway.

 It was a flat Stanley project or flat Sally whichever you wanted to do was fine if you haven't read flat Stanley it's a book about a boy that travels around the world and it's his life and adventures and his first adventure was he got flat or something like that I don't remember it exactly but the main point of the project was to send it to a relative or take it somewhere exciting and take pictures of you and the flat sally.

 Mine I was pretty proud of I made it out of paper sure but I thought it was pretty darn impressive because it looked like a female Stanley. I decided to take it to the rodeo where I put it in a purse of mine and soon we were at the rodeo and I was taking pictures with flat sally and I thought that the project would turn out perfect until we went to the petting zoo where I took out my flat Sally and put it half and half in my purse. I started feeding the goats and they seemed excited and ate the food happily, but little did I know that there was a creepy llama stalking flat Sally.

She didn't even get a chance to defend herself and soon I felt a tug and she was decapitated her head being eaten off by that evil llama that was eating her like nobodies business that bloody murder.

 It started to reach into my purse for her body which I snatched away quickly from it's grasp. Sadly she died young I kept her body which later that day got soaked with orange juice. She was one unlucky lady and my project was never finished although my teacher got a good laugh out of the story though so it kind of worked out for everyone except for flat Sally. I bet she's in paper doll heaven though having adventures without me.

She's Not So Crafty!!

When I turn on the TV I seriously lose all respect for the people of this world. There's one channel that shows Canadian TV, and this channel exhibits the exact thing that makes my respect of humanity fall because of my hatred of this one particular show. The name of the vile entertainment is "She's Crafty" although that's the name I assure you she has no talent for crafty crap at all.

 When I say crafty I think of my mom who mod podged everything in our house last year well, at least that was her goal. Let's list some of the things that she did, shall we? Well what my sister actually did my mom just cut out all of the little pieces. The table was mod podged, pictures were mod podged, now our house is pretty much overflowed with many colorful papers that are stuck together with the magic of mod podge.

Yup she seriously went through a faze. Anyway back to the point about the lady who only tells herself She's Crafty. I was flipping through channels trying to find something at least kind of decent and that's when I found this show. What I thought.

So I proceeded to spending my Saturday splayed across the couch with decoration pillows (that my brother's friends fart on) all down my body because I was too lazy to get my blanket and I was cold.

This lady starts talking about bird houses and how to mod podge them and I got all excited and I started telling the screen "hey my mom mod podges" (and yes this is what I do on Saturdays instead of hanging out with people.)

 So as this show goes on it turns out their going to make birdhouses well that's at least what they told me and then they started bringing out already made birdhouses (which is not making them lady) and they start taking out newspaper. But wait it gets worse they start putting the newspaper on the birdhouses, and after an hour of them putting newspaper on freaking birdhouses the whole project turned out looking like this.

Do you see this ugly piece of crap? This is the definition of crafty crap because this a toddler can do this. Heck I can do this and I think I'm in line for making worse crafts ever!!

 The second crafty crap that she made was a table made out of skateboard wheels and glass are you for real lady? You might ask why I was still watching this and the reason is it was either having to change the channel with the remote that I put on our mod podge table which included ruining the stack of pillows on top of me or stay were I was and criticize this lady some more for her hideous crafts. I of course chose the second one of the two. I actually couldn't find the picture of the wretched thing, but it was bad.


Yup completely hideous what is wrong with this lady she is not crafty, so get off the air or actually do what your suppose to do. I'm a judgmental son of a butt okay I'm already aware.

Church Dances. Why Do We Still Have Them??

I love the new technology that has developed over the years but my gaming device of choice would have to be our x-box connect. Our family has never really bought gaming devices, but two years ago they bought an x-box kinect and it was like love at first sight.

Yup my first game that I ever played on it was this game.

This is my favorite game and although I'm really horrible at really doing anything that includes me on my feet it  turns out that a secret talent of mine was dancing I mean who knew? I am like a boss seriously breaking it down Pee Wee Herman style.

Just kidding I actually was more into the kind of songs that you can't dance to in front of guests. Some of the songs included the following: Conceited, Turn me on, Lap dance and many more songs that might not be the best to be dancing to especially not in front of the many windows that let the neighbors see me.

If you haven't read the creepers next door this is what happened I was getting my sexy jerk down when boys outside were watching me on the playground outside my house. Yup creepy.

 Anyway so the other day my friend from church talking and the conversation of church dances came up and my friend said "I can't wait to go to the dances and dance with all the hot boys of the church". This sentence made me crack up with laughter for more reasons than one. Well I guess I'll number them so 1.) they play the crappiest music at dances seriously they play Lean on Me (which you can't dance to), Hannah Montana (which is just a sin), Taylor Swift (which people scream "this is my song" and start awkwardly swaying to the music), and many more horrible tracks that make your ears bleed.

Okay so number 2.) is because there's barely any boys our age and all of the ones that are our age hot is not a word to describe them at all.

 3.) Might be the worse my sister says that all of the girls stay in one corner and the boys stay in the other and the boys are too "shy" to come over and ask the girls to dance I mean come on boys seriously are you that stupid that you can't even ask a girl to dance.

 4.) Is the girls who when the boys actually ask them to dance they say no in the rudest way ever I mean not even making excuses I mean if you're going to decline an invitation do it the right way. Yeah so when your old enough to go to church dances you're probably actually end up doing this.

And this..

Maybe even a little bit of this..

Dancing with myself cause I'm so awesome and stuff.