My Life is a Fart

Every time I leave the house I get hurt I'm not even kidding either big or small I always manage to harm myself. I don't even know how some of this crap happens yesterday I went to drop off our recycling and I got a huge cut down my arm because I reached across a can and it cut me.

 When I'm inside nothing bad happens to me so do I like to stay inside, heck yeah. If I didn't have the safety of a house to hide in everyday I probably would be already dead by my own stupidity. I mean even in the most innocent places I get hurt!!

Last summer I slammed my own finger into the door and since I'm delayed reaction I stood there looking at what I had just done. Right in front of McDonald's (yay) we dropped off my older sister and my mom wanted me in the front seat, so I got out and I closed my own fingers in the door. Later that week I had to go to the emergency room where they took off my nail and put two stitches in my finger which the price came out to be 2,000 dollars for my parents who keep reminding me of my idiot mistake.

That's a heck of a lot of money and so they use me as an example to not be as stupid as me. What a joy I am I know. Also during the summer my sister peer pressured me to come outside and play with her badminton a game that I'm actually not that bad at so I accepted but that's when a cat came and my sister started to pet it and it seemed perfectly fine that if I were to pet it to so I leaned over and had at it.

 That's when it bit me I screamed and pulled back but the cut was deep I mean a couple of inches more and it would've hit my vein. I had to go to the doctors and they said that I had to get rabies shots if I didn't find the same cat that bit me. Well I saw it walking in the streets a few days later and it wasn't dead, so the doctor said that if it wasn't already dead that I would live too. Yay I'm not dead hooray!! my life is so ridiculous makes myself mentally do this..



Again America isn't even in the same league as me in the stupid zone. I'm just going to go and stay in my bed all day and all night, so I won't have to relive any of these stupid disasters ever again. I always say...



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Kung Fu Fails...

Despite my lack of coordination I use to do kung fu. Yup, if someone ever came out at me I could honestly say "I know kung foo be afraid sucker". Though my skills were limited to kicking and doing the splits. I was actually very flexible I could bend easily and I liked it. I could put my feet to my head, I could do cartwheels, and I could kiss my butt, a badge that I wore proudly after my sister said that I could do no such thing (you're welcome America for showing the world kissing your own butt is possible ). I was great at the stretching although when it came to actually doing moves like kicking and punching I was horrible. I seriously might be a worse athlete than this guy..

 

He didn't even have a chance!! Anyway I once fell over when kicking air. You heard right while kicking I fell right over in front of Master Jason (the lead kung fu master my wax-on wax-off dude), and the boy that I liked, and his dad. AWKWARD!!!

 Master Jason kind of had a hobby and that was making fun of me. He actually made fun of me when my class was doing lines of punching and kicking and people were lined up in front of me and I kicked the protege boy in the butt. Master Jason got a good laugh out of that because I was right in front of him when I did it and the boy did the biggest grunt in history of grunts.

 Yet another thing was every time I exercised I start to pass gas (otherwise known as farting or cutting the cheese) and in front of everyone I would pass some big ones and everyone would stop what they were doing to look at me. Yup I'm just that good at completely defacing my own ego the world isn't even in the same league of awkward as me. What I always feel like when crap like this happens..



Oh, Heavenly Father why did you make me like this!!! WHY!!! What I want to do to awkwardness forever every time it shows up in my life (which is often)..



Pimp slap that sucker!! Oh wait my wretched kung fu "skills" won't let me. I had good help at the studio they were teaching at but my stupid body that won't let me do anything without something going awry. The outfits we were suppose to wear was a t-shirt with black pants that hung loosely around my legs and waist therefore falling occasionally, but when I grew a little older (and many bananas later) they fit quite well.

 They were comfortable and I was there stretching and talking with some friends that were as uncoordinated as I was when Master Jason said it was time to do the splits. Something I had grown accustom to, so I steadily changed position.

 Then there was a sound like a bunch of stitches ripping at once and the hole butt of my pants (which were now quite snug) ripped and everyone could see my hello-kitty underwear. I was out of there fast but everyone saw and I was humiliated though not long after they moved down town, and my parents told me that I could no longer go. Thank heavens I was saved the day they moved and now I happily sit inside without ripping my pants in front of a bunch of boys. Yay happy days!!

THE BANANA BEAST...

Despite my slim figure I have quite and appetite and being home schooled does not help I eat snacks and the snack of my choice is Bananas.


You go awesome banana man!! Anyway I love bananas I usually eat a bunch and a half each day and I know that if I go outside I would be eaten alive by the mosquito's because of the potassium, but because of my lack of going outdoors (with the exception of getting the mail) I don't get one bite. Someone ask me if I like bananas I'm like..


Who doesn't like yellow fruit shaped like a boomerang, seriously who? I especially like them with some bread fresh from the bread machine with some peanut butter and sliced bananas. I hate it when were out of bananas I have a freak-out moments when I hear their gone.

Then I get to the stage of panic.

But then it turns out that theirs one hiding behind my microwave then I react much differently.

 My brother also likes them so that's problematic because they run out faster and well I hate to not have my bananas there for my morning snack, and lunch snack, and dinner snack, heck I'm a goner without them. I love me some bananas and I'm not afraid to hide them from my big bro. no matter how large in the barge he is. Anyway the other day I was eating a banana (of course) and my brother told my mom that I was eating bananas again and that I should be punished.

 Well my mom did nothing about it (got to love your mom) and I got away unscathed. She said that she shouldn't be telling me to not eat fruits so take that bro. miniature party.

Break it down banana style!! Yup doing a jig and stuff gonna go and eat a banana now all this writing has me hungry.

The Curse Of Akwardness!!!

Ah awkwardness the actions of others that makes the world turn away in horror as someone does an act that's unspeakably weird. This appears in media but more often in real life and it usually happens when you don't expect it (curse you sneaky awkward moments!!!).

 Anyway these situations can be leveled in different stages of awkward such as the cringe, the I can't even look at this, and the I can't look away it's so unfortunately awkward. And lets be honest we all have those experiences that you just want to erase your memory because the thing you did was so painful to think of.

Unfortunately I have a lot of these experiences and every time I think of them I just want to dig myself a hole and live in hiding for the rest of my life well I kind of do this, but instead of digging myself a hole I just go into my room (and my mom wonders why I don't like to go outside of my room well this is part of the reason). Anyway I had one of those cringe-worthy experiences and it was not pleasant.

 I was cleaning my church at 7:00 in the morning and I got trash duty so while picking up every rooms trash I started to sing and if you don't know me I have one of the worst singing voice on planet earth cause I got it from my momma. Seriously though my voice sucks anyway back to the story I came to the kitchen and I started dancing and I started singing sugar lumps by flight of the conchords (not the greatest song to be singing in the chapel but hey what can I think that songs hilarious) click the link if you haven't watched it.

 <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_ozSSseCh3U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>.

When I got to saying "it's just my sugar lumps bum bum bum they look so fine that's why I keep them in the front" (again not the greatest thing to be singing in a church) it turned out that someone was in the room and it was the boy that I liked and he was looking at me as if I were the weirdest person on earth I started to blush and then I said "um hey" and he said hi and that's when say I have to go and I pick up the trash and I start to slowly walk away.

 Yup I said it was awkward and now he knows what kind of music I listen to and he knows that I'm weird. So write an awkward experience below if you had worst cause I know that I have but that's my most recent one, so I thought I would share it with you. I hope you enjoy my pain.

The Problem with Romantic Comedies

 I am a nerd like in all of the great books and movies and I don’t know I’m beautiful like the main characters of all the romantic comedies I watch and in the YA romance books that I read the only reason that boys can pass me up is if I’m really not pretty and well that wouldn’t be a shocker but it appears in all of these media that boys like girls that are completely insecure and hey if that’s what it takes to get a man I’ll play that game ;). But the point in me saying this is that in all of the movies it’s only the nerdy girl who gets the hot boy in the end because he likes the girl for her personality, but in the real world there’s no coincidences, no hot boy that would ever want a nerd girl (unless for some exceptions but I’m trying to make a point here so just listen), and no super nice guy that’s hot and doesn’t have one flaw. Seriously girls if that’s what we’re looking for we are going to die alone and that’s a fate that I have already resolved to, but if we look at the media either books, TV, or movies those colossal romantic gestures that happen in them are never going to happen so stop waiting. Your prince charming isn’t just going to just look at you and be like I want to be with this girl for the rest of my life because that’s impossible because if you don’t even know the person and you say you’re in love with them you are a fool (and I’m not sorry for the harshness either people if you think like this you need to be straightened out of this mind set for real). Listen I’m fourteen years old and I’m all in with watching heart-warming romantic movies, but ladies don’t let movies up your expectations for men because it’s fictional for a reason and nobody’s perfect including yourself so don’t even try to find someone perfect because when you do it’s like looking for a normal person at comic-con. One of the many things that people do for “who they love” is they lower their standards like in Greece which was completely disappointing.  Something else that is a peeve of mine is a man isn’t going to just show up at the airport begging for you to stay, hate to say it but in real life guys just go to their backup girl or girls and they move on with their lives and as much as you don’t want to think about it soon you will move on too, and if you’re a romantic comedy kind of person you would know that this happens a lot in these kinds of movies. So girls don’t be fooled by the awesomeness of realistic fiction because it’s more fantasy than anything and would you rather have a man that’s only exists in books or in movies or a real person that you can have to yourself for eternity (personally I would rather have the fictional man because come on they’re better than real life but hey I gave you a choice so choose).  And this would not be a blog post without a gif or pic. so here you go!!

Be prepared to buy lots and lots of boxes when your prince charming never shows up!!  

 

  

The Weird Sleeper...

I stay awake late at night and I'm talking 4am people, so yeah I'm a night person but the point is that every time I hear a noise it scares the crap out of me. I'm usually either writing or reading at this time of night but I never get use to the sounds that my sister makes. I mean she yells at me in her sleep, she snores like a freaking elephant, and she rolls over a lot. I know that I drool in my sleep but it's not hurting anyone I also do this..

When I wake up my whole beds a mess, but hey that's not scaring the crap out of anyone is it? I think not!! So last night I was just as usual writing and watching a romantic comedy in my bed and we have bunk beds so she's just above me and she starts screaming and I'm like what the heck. I took off my headphones to see what she was saying and she's like "YOU READ TOO MUCH STOP READING!!!" When you hear your sister in her sleep telling you that you know you read way too much. But the weird thing is that she just rolls over and starts snoring again. Sometimes I just want to do this to her..

Yeah then she'll really be surprised. Just Kidding!! (at least you hope :) Anyway for all those people out there who have to deal with your whoever who snores a lot then I feel your pain.

Panda Bear don't care!! Common courtesy kids, don't do this at home!! Thank You!!

The Creepers Next Door.

At Christmas time I realized that my family and I had stalkers. It all started when we sat down to watch a movie we have a playground behind our house, so people can see through the window. Well these boys (who looked like complete punks) started watching the movie with us. There all like..

Stalker mode activated. The worst part was that they weren't even trying to hide that they were watching us while we watched the movie. And it wasn't like the endearing stalking either they were just watching our lives as we lived it. I could have totally out creeped them with my skills I would've been all like..

Yeah exactly like that with my mustache and stuff, but my mom thought it was a better idea that we closed are windows. Darn my perfect opportunity to creep on strangers was ruined by better judgement. Though the boys came back and when I was playing Dance Central (the thing that I'm best at cause you know I'm shakin' my rump like a boss) they came back and was watching me as I played Goodies.

 You might ask why I didn't close the windows immediately and that was because if I left I would have a horrible score and on that song I usually get two million and I didn't want to lower the score so of course I had to keep playing. Soon the boys started ding dong ditching our house while my older sister studied her homework. Now any normal human being would see the boys, but not Lauren can ignore you like a pro the result of all the people in my house she has to be to get anything done (and she's pretty oblivious so that helps too). Anyways so when the boys were staring at her doing her homework they kept ringing the doorbell at 10:00 at night and Lauren still didn't notice. Got to love her. So I made a resolve that the next time there trying to watch me do my daily activities I will likely go outside and beat them up like so..

Hide your kids, hide your wife, (or wives yup shout out for all you polygamists) and hide your husbands too cause there's an vengeful little girl in Houston, Texas. I'm goin' find you!!