Douche Bag Spray...

 Everyone knows one person (or several people) that smells overwhelmingly like perfume/"man" spray. Seriously you know when they walk in a room because the smell hits you like a Ford Raptor driving way over the speed limit, the same speed limit that deliberately says 30.

 Even when they leave the space that they are so rudely stinking up with their offensive scent, you can still smell the ungodly putrid scent long afterwards. So pretty much it's like on The Grand Budapest Hotel when it references this type of behavior by expressing it as "a liberal amount of fragrance" that is put on Mr. Gustave, and later talks about how you can smell his scent a little before he approaches and it lingers briefly when he leaves. Okay, before I get back to the matter at hand lemme give a shout out to my proper citing. My English teacher would be so proud.

To get this straight I'm not saying that all perfumes are grotesque or are overly strong, what I'm saying is that the people who bathe in these overly disgusting scents are not people I want to be around. Okay let's be straight up right now, there's the people who are overly fragranced with horrible smells, or people who don't use enough deodorant, or even bathing material in general (soap bro, you need it.) Seriously there's a small, and when I mean small, I mean minuscule amount of people who are perfectly balanced and smell nothing like extreme B.O. or overwhelming essence of douche. I would like to categorize myself as one of those people, though occasionally I'm on the side of needing a long nice shower to smell a little more cleanly, though who hasn't been on that side every once in a while?


 Anyways this pet peeve of mine was very apparent to me as I went to a camp. Varrying smells are always accompanied by camping, but the smell of intense body odor is more evident than anything. If you're me, however, you would acknowledge how much everyone smelled as bad as that one time I went to a cow farm, and get over it. Legit I wasn't really sure how I, myself smelled, so how could I judge another when I probably was the stinkiest of all? Exactly I couldn't.

 So back to the story at hand. I was just 'chilling' (is that what the kids say these days?) and due to my leadership roles that was taking place at this camp I among other teens were called to a brief meeting explaining the different activities for that day. This meeting was accomanied with the biggest jerk I know. Now this jerk isn't only a complete poo, he is also so full of himself he wouldn't even know how off putting he was being, if he were in a weird paradox and was faced with himself and having a rough argument about which one of them was hotter.

 Yup that's how bad his vein-ness is; it's quite pitiful, actually...

 Back to the meeting which was situated in a small cabin filled with the majority of middle-aged women and teenagers, it was again very small. So in the middle of this little overview the butthole, I was talking about previously reaches into his skinny jean pocket (yeah did I mention he's one of 'those' guys who thinks he's a hipster, but listens to Fallout Boy. Ammatures.) and brings out this small bottle of axe cologne. Now I won't say that I hate axe because truthfully I have caught myself smelling some scents from them, and being oddly relieved at the pleasant scent. This is very disappointing to me that people think it's the douchiest cologne because truthfully some don't smell THAT bad. But this scent that this kid decided to put on was the bees in the knees when it came to horrible fragrances.

  This poo then proceeds to lift up his freaking pits (which I will inform you smelled like the other scale of bad scents, B.O.) and then pretty much goes on to spray the whole length of not only his pits, but his whole body, right in the middle of the freaking meeting. The smell, as you might have imagined, was a bit overpowering for most. It was almost like the smell of a skunk, because instantly everyone lifts up their shirts to cover the holes in their face that the scent might offend. I was sitting close enough that I could even taste the retched stench. I then coughed and proceeded to make the statement "Woah dude, hold back on the cologne. I can smell the douche from over here."

  This was however not that effective due to me being so close in proximity to him. A few people however, chuckled as the scumbag glared at me. Then after the fact saying "Wow Natalie, that was a fresh comment" then putting his nose in the sky and walking away. First of all the comment was definitely fresher then how he smelled. Second, can you say rude much?

  Anyways hopefully all of you can try to acknowledge and try to keep yourselves as fresh smelling as possible.

Leverage Has Ruined Me...

 Yesterday was, as usual, a "very warm" day in Texas, so of course my friend and I had no choice but to go swimming, obviously. So she invited me to her neighborhood pool because mine 1.) is full of duck crap because some genius decided to put a neighborhood pool right next to a duck pond and 2.) doesn't open until Monday which is too late for us to sit around and waste time thinking and not doing. Our decision to go was already made and we were ready and that's about the time when we get there and see a piece of paper obviously stating that the pools lock was not working. In other words for those beautiful words written on that fateful paper were "beat it we don't like kids to be happy."

 Well that's at least what my friend and I read, and us being brave and mighty (and frankly a little stupid) we decide to try the lock which it doesn't work exactly which is exactly what the paper said, but it never hurts to test it anyways. Then we try to pick the lock which was a noble quest, in my personal opinion, at the time but turned out to be a slightly swayed view of ourselves because truth is we're two nerds thinking we were going to "break in" of sorts into a pool...

 Although we obviously knew what we were doing due to our experience watching other people break in like a boss(*ehem* we are both faithful watchers of the show "Leverage".) From that show we had learned the tricks of pretty much everything we needed to ever know about breaking-and-entering also how to sneak into a facility completely unnoticed and in black leather which both of us didn't own cause we're poor. But in general our training had already been completed by sitting our butts on the couch for hours at a time. This was the moment we had prepared ourselves for and all our 'experience' was about to pay off. So of course we had to have a great entrance which felt something like this...

 Though it was a great feeling I had the nerve to trip and it ended up as an entrance that was not-as-magical as it is seen in movies or even Leverage. Actually again two nerdy arse girls in swimsuits, may I add, walking into a neighborhood gate readying themselves to try to get into the pool section isn't exactly the coolest entrance I could have imagined. In reality I'm sure it ended in something more realistic like so:

 Awkwardness in presentation: 20.
 Pulling it off and looking good doing it: 0
If you didn't know what I was doing before it's a little thing called scoring the entry of my friend and I in which we failed and got pity points from the squirrel looking towards us and judging us.

 Let's just say "picking the lock" (don't take those quotations too lightly because it was a quotation-needed moment a questionable one too) with a broken door is NOT the smartest thing to do...

 This means that my friend and I tried a safety pin to pick it which didn't work AT ALL...

 Yeah. That happened.

 Then we made a plan to jump the fence with the tables that were put right on the wall by whoever decided to be as generous to do that that's when I realized If we did do our stupid plan and jump over what if it didn't open on the other side and we get stuck on the other side? So that plan failed as well.

 To wrap up that afternoon in a burrito roll of suck, my sisters come riding up to the fence and call us stupid and refer to the paper telling us about the broken lock. Afterwards we walked back to my friend's house dry, hungry, and feeling like Leverage lied to us or that we failed our mission we were sent on. Then we went  back to her house and played with her baby kittens she got for her Birthday but still.

 Mission=Failure

 Admitting this means that I have to watch 10 times more Leverage, Supernatural, and Sledge Hammer to get me to the crime fighting, monster killing, criminal stopping, awesome person I want to become. Or maybe I'll actually exercise my flabby arms and try to train myself to being a fighter again injustice (*ehem* the pool being close, *ehem*) and bad guys.

  Nah sounds like a lot of work.



 So I guess this means that I will probably never be in shape, or be able to climb a tree. That sucks...

My only words for that is:
I like eating anyways, I don't need you exercise!!

 That is all.

Darn It, CARL!!

 Carls.

 One of the most frustrating names, and things on this earth, in my personal opinion. Actually they're a life ruiner also it kills my dreams of pulling off one good picture in my not-so-distant future. Okay now that I left you on edge you might wonder what a Carl really is? Or maybe you just guessed it was my eyes because they also ruin every picture I have on earth because of their "effect" (another word for total crappy reaction) cameras have on my eyes that makes my eyes close, or makes me have the half-eye-open stoner look which is really attractive, obviously. Though these speculations might have been conceived (you are wrong if you did make those assumptions by the way) this ungodly "Carl" is none other than the hair on you and I that never stays in place. Horrifying, no?

 Now that I'm pointing out everyone's imperfections I will give you the advice to get it checked by a professional because no hair gel, conditioner, or comb will get and keep that puppy down. It will keep on resisting the hair straighteners, and the other fancy/freaking expensive devices you buy to smooth it out until the day you decide to actually acknowledge it and decide to except it for what it is. So what I presented the last statement was what I would call the "Disney Remix" in which is obviously not real life and is a version more calm then what will really happen. Truth is you will be fighting with the realization that you have eternal cow-licked hair or hairs, if you're lucky it will be but a few life destroyers.

 My acknowledgement of this horrific problem everyone has, came to my attention by one of my best friends and her yelling at her said 'Carl.' Me not knowing what the crap it was, was introduced to a new way of seeing the hair that makes everyone feel self-conscious and brutally unworthy of any affection. Thank you, Lirit, for pulling me into a world where everyone knows of at least one imperfection of yours.

 Okay now is the time to bring up 'llamas with hats' that introduce a huge production of very horrifying humor. This is different though it goes with the same concept, that 'concept' being a Carl, that does indeed kill people.

 Now that we have seen the difference between the two we can now live our lives with all Carls shamelessly living on our heads and our hearts. So keeping that in mind I'm out.

 

This Obsession was Bound to Happen...

 Okay so I just found this group and well...

 The lead singer is fine!!! Not just fine but fine with a capital FINE. Anyways to honor him and his beautiful face and beautiful voice and pretty much every beautiful thing on earth he does I decided to write this post because who doesn't love a guy who's, well, perfect. Now enough about me and my newly found obsession on this guy and let me just show this guy and his band and his face because he's perfect. Take it away Magic Man/ Alex Caplow!!!

(Yes, this is his face be prepared to scream like a little fangirl when you hear his beautiful voice. Okay and no judging!!)

 

 Yeah I did just like everything with his face that's on Tumblr. No shame people no shame.

 What his music makes me feel....

 What my mom's like...

 Discombobulation  people. 

 

Okay so to end this obscene fangirling going on up in here I'll leave you with one of their songs, and their website if you want to check them out. Yup. This is happening.

http://magicmanmusic.com/map

You're welcome for your new obsession. Also I take full credit just saying.

Spring Break and Stuff...

 Spring Break's finally here and you know what that means!!!





 Okay that's a complete stretch. Though let's all be serious we all (don't even deny it) look forward to Spring Break saying stuff like "We should all hang out during the break", or "I'll do that during the break", and even "Maybe I'll like you again when the break is through." That last thing isn't something anyone says, but I do have that thought occasionally. Yeah way more than occasionally you got me.

 Anyways we look toward breaks as something that will change us forever. We even covet those moments of no school that's suppose to complete us above other blissfulness that comes when you're at a party (oh sorry I mean "intimate get-together" parents don't be alarmed.) Or that happy moment when you hang out with that really attractive guy or girl  (whatever you want me to call them insert here________) all break, yeah the moments that only happen in fictional things such as movies, books, or whatever other high-tech things you have that I didn't list.

 Point is we think we will be better after a break of school (or that at the very least we'll have better game). We say we'll do stuff because we have time, though the reality is that because we have time on our hands we just usually find ourselves being lazied over, and not doing anything, later gives us regret or even guilt. Pretty much we agree to things that in our state of mind in the moment is an  actually contemplation doing those things, which in the end is re-decided of the not wanting to follow through because of other distractions. Either that or just the realization of us having time solely for the purpose of sleeping gets us right off the productivity train.

 And again with the getting together with your friends lie. Seriously I get tired of asking people to hang out, so I'm good at my house listening to "Welcome to Night Vale" in the middle of the day in a darkroom shiftily eyeing everything fearfully as Cecil's really creepy radio voice goes on about the dark figures in the dog park. Yeah I'm pretty sure that nobody else does that except me and maybe one of my friends, Eve. We're weird people don't hate.

 Anyways in reality every person you ask to hang out during Spring Break is either on vacation or just laying around their house being lazy beings and eyeing the TV remote because they're too comfortable to move. They might also be eyeing the remote because they still want to make sure that they really don't have some kind of mind powers to levitate it to themselves. We've all done it, so let's not act coy. Though by doing this act we've all shown that we don't have enough brain cells to have mind powers. I just pointed out a really large flaw of yours...

 You're welcome.

 Also during breaks we form a deep bond not with people, but with another thing that's electronic and better than any human being alive. You guessed it the computer/any other kind of device that plays Netflix for your lonely cat lady needs. Though of course when you go back to school it puts you through a withdrawal that leads people to skip school to be with a device and that's truly forbidden love for you. Technology and a human that should be a movie (or not)  *cough, cough* (sorry I choked on my spit again.) Darn it was already made apparently it's called 'Her' how stupid, right guys? Yeah but really this happens to a whole lot of people. It might or might not happen to me. Though if you have bad internet access is your relationship with electronics even to-be. Think about it.

 And then there's those people who actually get out of the house, and actually have adventures that can vary from being good things to really inappropriate and weird adventures, ahem, "Spring Breakers." Though no matter what have a good break that is filled with awesomeness, and flying narwhals. I should remind all of you to not do drugs.
 

It's okay... We're all Poor Here.

 I have found the definition of humbleness.

 And then I forgot it and started to be a free un-humble person again because that's how I do. Also the fact that all of my friends compliment me so much it just raises my self confidence to be around them. I don't know maybe we have a unspoken pact of uplifting each other. Hm I guess it sounds better then it, well it is good. Well you get the point it's probably better working at lifting my confidence than this story you're about to hear about my latest college adventure/antic-dote.

 SO, let's start this beautiful/awkward/really embarrassing story shall we?

 Is that a we shall? Well you know, okay I guess we will if you insist.
 
 Maybe that's suppose to be funny I really don't know I just put the gif there because the girl might be Penny from Napoleon Dynamite (or maybe her twin. Her evil twin from Mars!!! That's who it really is) and well you know how I feel about that show. Yeah the actual movie was crap the animated version was my jam though. Okay let's get back on track...

 Let's set the scene people!! Goodgracious you're lazy Carl!! Everyone ACTION!!!

 I want to say that the thing I wrote before was NOT a reference to some unknown awesome thing from the past or present I just made it up to be funny. Let's just all take a second to appreciate my patheticness. Oh yeah, me? I'm good *cries not so silently in the corner.*

 Now let's get on track and go to this beautiful tale that I made some descriptions of earlier. Yeah let's do it (okay Natalie, stop procrastinating your doom/complete and utter humiliation on the internet.)

 Okay so I was in class which was History which if you know me made me super freaking hungry. Actually if you know me you would know that everything makes me super freaking hungry but that's not the point the point was I hadn't eaten lunch and I would get out in exactly three minutes which means freedom until ten minutes later when my sister would get out of class and I would have to go home. So obviously the second I got out of class I said goodbye to really the only person who actually talks to me, and run to the vending machines that are reasonably and conveniently placed in every hallway, so none of their beloved college students will get hungry and spend all there money and only have enough to buy one soda. It's a sad day when everyone can't buy one dollar sodas/chips, but it's a whole other sad day when you realize that whoever put that machine right there is getting rich off people's dollar bills.

 Anyways so I get to the one beloved vending machine and peeps be gettin out there classrooms, so you know it's going to be a quick snack for them until they go to there next class like the beasts they are cause they can't stop won't stop. There I just made a reference to a song so I no longer feel, so loser-ish to the earlier incident. You're welcome. So when I show up to the little party type feel around the place I just wait for people to get their food and leave, so when it clears a bit I look around and there's this really attractive guy in the seat and he's just chillin you know? Aint nothin on him.

 He's looking at me and I realize I'm next in line so I walk up and I awkwardly fumble with my backpack trying to find my purse/wallet thing my sister gave me for Christmas and I pull it out and realize that I only have pennies, nickles, and a quarter. Crappity.

 But I try to play it off and start sticking my one quarter in there and sticking my nickles and I even had one dime and that made it sixty five cents. I start freaking out because by then the really attractive dude is behind me giving that face like "chick are you for real." Now I dish out that face a whole lot but it's intimidating so I start sticking in my pennies and the machine starts getting all jangly and I'm like, crap it all I'm done.

 I wanted some freaking crackers!! Is that so hard to get freaking crackers?!?!?! I think not sirs but yeah. I got a really annoyed face from the cutest guy ever and then had to walk away because I couldn't buy eighty cent crackers. Also I left a perfectly good sixty cents in that machine. And I found out that pennies don't work in those stupid freaking things. Pretty much I left that lobby feeling humiliated, then pissed, then just feeling like I was fulfilling the poor college girl cliche. Darn me.

 Yup and it wasn't like on those romantic comedies when the guy runs after the girl with the snack in his hand and then they go on a date and then decide they love each other get married in the Bahamas and then become another stupid Hallmark movie and trust me most of the "Christmas specials" they have going on up in that peace aren't that great. Anyways no I walked to the elevator and grouched about how poor I was. And then the elevator broke and I had to use the stairs. Pretty much I felt like that was the crappiest thing ever, and now I look back on it now and I see how truly hilarious the whole thing was. Though I still want that cracker.

 At the moment I felt like this:

 And this:

 (I'm pretty sure the coconuts are suppose to break. I might not be right...)

 And maybe I felt a little bit of self loathing which is pretty much this whole gif in itself:

 It was a bad day what can I say.

 And I was off my game. Though I saw this and thought it was hilarious. All you beautiful people I'm sure will be able to appreciate it.

 Two words.

 You're welcome.

Bangs.... Flattereth me not

 So I got bangs...

 That happened.

 Now when you think of bangs you think of cute 'girl next door' look that flatters every girl on the face of the planet, and while that's fine of you to think just look at my particular 'banging situation' (see what I did there?) and you won't exactly be thinking about cute things like puppies and rainbows or even that adorable girl that has always been in your life. Though I don't admit it I don't particularly enjoy this thing that gets in my eyes frequently now. It's like cousin It has decided to sit on my head and the second after I push some hairs away there's always more to replace the 'void.' Also if you don't know what or who cousin It is than let's do a blast from the past:
 He's with me now chill. Adam's Family pretty much my childhood which probably makes me a weird kid but I don't care!! Okay I care a little but still.

 Now because I keep getting off track let's go over what we just talked about shall we? What I should look like:

 What my mom says I actually look like:

  And no not even the semi-attractive person to the left. No, I can't possibly be able to pull of bangs that well. According to my all-glorious mother I look like the gorgeous goofy character making the beauteous face to the right.

 Now we got the description down on myself (yay) let's talk about this charming little "adventure" to the barber shop that got most (yeah not even all of them!!) of the hairs on my forehead chopped and my ego to go to it's all-time low which isn't that bad saying other people who are not as fortunate as mwa say my ego is incredibly large for a 5ft. 4 little girl. So let's get back to the point (I apologize I tend to ramble and not be focused on something for large amounts of, ooh a unicorn!!) But pretty much the whole experience started with me wanting bangs. It's quite a natural wish for a fourteen or however the heck older or younger you are than me because let's be real, bangs don't have a time limit cause that shiz be forever.

  I'm in the barber shop being a good girl sitting alone due to a certain someone deciding to sit in the car due to her (and I quote) "ratchet hair" and unflattering (in my opinion sorry, Lauren) Mexican peasant dress she scored at the thrift store which usually has pretty good deals but this was and is not one of them I assure you that. And I went up to the Asian (stereotypical I know right?) person at the front who I guess was going to cut my hair and she started by asking repetitively if I had gone there before and that she needed my phone number (and I don't believe she will need it due to the fact I'm probably never going back there.)

 And I think it's safe to say that five minutes into the whole experience and I'm 1.) Trying to find a way out of getting my glorious hair chopped off and 2.) Becoming completely and utterly irritated.

 What can I say I'm not a patient person. Despite the fact I have six very infuriating things I call siblings I still do not manage my anger management problems nor do I try to. And two minutes after that I was sitting in one of those saloon type chairs the lady lobbing off my hair and then ten minutes later I had kind of sideways bangs that were jagged and the more the lady said "side bangs are in this year. All your friends will be jealous!! You pretty you pretty like this" I was more and more sure that I looked worse than when we started. Then when I pay freaking fifteen dollars for a crappy job I leave to find my older sister still in the car telling me how horrible I look.

 So I go in for round two...

 Yay.

 Okay that whole story despite it being 100% true was a bit on the exaggerated side. What can I say I have thing for theatrics. Though all and all I do kind of sort of like my hair despite the fact I look like a four year old and a goofy character I  can live with it. And if not I'll just pin it back so I guess my problems aren't that bad.

 Also it's Valentine's day. Yup. That's pretty much enough said there because of my complete and utter lack of a boyfriend though who said I wanted one.





 So if you're single and out there know you're not the only loser on the planet because obviously I have more problems than you. Gosh stop being so selfish you fiend. Anyways I hope I actually made the day that you remember that nobody loves you, better, and that you laugh if only just a little at my fail jokes, and the beautiful gifs that I have hand selected (just for you) above. You're welcome (insert creepy stalker face here.)